her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
