I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Barsexuality is the new black.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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