when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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