Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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