He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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