Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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