Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
