He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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