respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober