Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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