A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
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I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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