im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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