thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange