I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
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Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.