This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked