My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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