I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have already put on my inside pants.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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