He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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