dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
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I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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