I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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