I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
