He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
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Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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