I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
