wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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