i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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