Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
