Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
