Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
