Got a toothbrush?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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