I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
