winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
