I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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