Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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