I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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