I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Someone came in the potted fern
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
