Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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