hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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