They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
