I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
