Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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