Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
