I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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