i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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