i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
