I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
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I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
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This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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