Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
