So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
