does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
