i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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