Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
