i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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