Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Randomize
