Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
