your room smells of hookers.
And success
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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