1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
