I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
